Monday, August 26, 2013

RECAP OF THE 2013 MTV'S VMAS AKA NO BLACKS ALLOWED...TO WIN AWARDS (RED CARPET + PERFORMANCES + WINNER'S LIST + FOOLISHNESS)

If looks could kill you would be an Uzi or a shotgun...BANG!

Chicks and Dicks, please take a moment to scan the faces of the crowd in the above photo from last nights (Aug. 25) 2013 MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs)...AND pay very close attention to Rihanna's face.

The look on people's faces is a mixture of disgust, bewilderment and 'this bitch (yes, you Miley) REALLY tried it tonight, didn't she?', with a smidgen of 'I could've had a V8!'

...And that pretty much sums up my feelings regarding last nights VMAs aka The No Blacks Allowed...To Win Awards


I mean seriously, *DMX voice*  what types of games are being played?!?!


To keep with the theme of the 2013 VMAs aka gentrification personified, it was only fitting that the awards be held at the Barclays Center in the new Brooklyn in New York! 

Now 10-15 years ago, if the VMAs were held in Brooklyn that would've meant something to me, but this is a new gentrified Brooklyn, so I was unimpressed.

From the moment the red carpet kicked off
and I saw these off-brand VJs giggling like schools girls hopped up on Elmer's glue, asking red carpet attendees the most basic and non-relevant questions, I knew the VMAs were going to be a bust.


Exhibit A
Off-brand VJs to Lil Kim: Were you born with this mole or did you draw it on?


Get More:

Seriously bitches...seriously?!?! 

Now you guys KNOW it's no secret that I love me some Queen Bee --faults and all, but of all the things those pop tarts could've asked Lil Kim about regarding her face,  you ask about her mole...




Exhibit B
This was the first red carpet appearance Danity Kane has made since announcing that they were reuniting and releasing a new album sans the assistance of Diddy

It should be noted that the group was assembled by MTV's Making The Band franchise...on MTV.

You'd think these floozies would use the good common sense that God gave them (Sidebar: As I have matured, I've learned that common sense, really isn't that common.), and perhaps they would, oh I don't know, ask Danity Kane more questions regarding their upcoming albums...but NO!

These off-brand VJs instead ask the group about what shade of nail polish they were wearing and other useless questions.


Get More:


At one point Aubrey appeared annoyed at these tramps cluelessness, and she proceeded  to whisper to my gurl Andrea…'who are these hos and where is Suchin, Kurt, Sway, heck, Lala?' or at least I like to believe that's what Aubrey whispered...a girl can dream!

Exhibit C
So instead of these goof troops asking 2 Chainz at least one question about his upcoming album, B.O.A.T.S II: Me Time (release date: September 10), these off-brands dwell on the fact that 2 Chainz and one of them were wearing the same Versace, Versace, Versace, sorry couldn't help myself...damn it, that's a catchy little diddy! pants.

I'll admit it was amusing the first 15 seconds when 2 Chains and the female VJ discovered they wearing the same exact pants, * insert side-eye* although Chainz had been told his Versace pants were "one of a kind", but can we move on, puh-lease!



Get More: 
2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music, 2Chainz

But wait! The VMAs were not quite done sonin' black folks. Moments before the actual show started... 
Exhibit D: 
Rapper Big Sean and his "girlfriend " Glee star Naya Rivera are asked a question...

Did the Off-brand VJs ask them: 

a) What can we expect from your upcoming sophomore album Big Sean; or

b) Naya how are you coping with the lost of your friend and Glee co-star, Cory Monteith? And what can we expect from this upcoming season on Glee; or

c) Big Sean and Naya, can you give Justin Timberlake this declaration of thirst in the form of this stupid school girl note I wrote, where I profess my undying love for him? *DING, DING, DING!!!* 

THE RED CARPET

Katy Perry wore a turtle neck leopard print Emmanuel Ungaro dress with gold butterflies accent and a side slit.  I really appreciated her look and her shoes, make-up and high ponytail brought everything together nicely!

Ciara wore a feathery sheer Givenchy Couture gown...it was real Tonya Harding-Nancy-Kerrigan-ish. Yeah...no! And what happened to your fly ass bob cut CiCi? I know everyone has been jockin' your fresh as of late *coughs* Nicki, Beyonce, Rita Ora...me*, but that cut should be your signature look...and what's going to make you famous, word to Camille!

Jennifer Hudson wore Christian Dior houndstooth bustier and form-fitting leather wrap skirt. She completed her look with a pair of simple yet elegant black pumps. JHud looks really nice, this was a major improvement! I think Jennifer's entire look would have benefited from her taking all that hair off her shoulders and face and placing her hair up in a high ponytail or bun.

Lady Gaga wore a understated (for her at least) black Prabal Gurung gown. It was ok. But you know what was NOT ok, that horrible Philly black-out lookin' lacefront I suspect Tamar's bamma ass recommended Gaga had glued on her head. 

The definition of a hot ass mess: Miley 'non-rhythmic, non-twerkin', noassatall, red carpet outfit looks as though it was made from the scraps of Guadalupe's train on her Quinceanera dress from 1986. *points* In the corner you go!

Robin Thickey and his wife, actress Paula Patton "graced" the VMAs red carpet looking gone off that water water high off life and love!

Willow and Jaden Smith made an appearance on the red carpet. These kids are adorable, but I'm going to need Willow to stop buying these hideous circa '06 Harlem 125th Street banged wigs. Your dad's money is too long for this madness and you're just too darn cute for me not to show you the errors of your inexperienced ways. 

T-Boz and Chilli of TLC were spotted on the red carpet...I'm going to respect my elders. Sidebar: I'm SOOO looking forward to this TLC TV-movie in October!
HBO's Girls star Jemima Kirke showed up on the red carpet dressed, well like herself her character Jessa. I'm actually not only diggin' her look sans her jewelry and shoes, but I actually wore a similar concept look yesterday! Great minds...


Allison Williams of HBO's Girls wore an ivory embroidered and sheer Valentino mini dress. She completed her look with a pair of black pumps. JHud and Allison know the deal...you can never go wrong with a classic black pair of pumps!

Singer-actress, Ashanti was spotted on the VMAs red carpet dressed in her staple Grecian look! Hey if it ain't broke... Sidebar: Shan-Shan skin is flawless! 

D. Woods who? Danity Kane made their first red carpet appearance at the VMAs since announcing they're reuniting and releasing a new album. The ladies --especially Aubrey and Dawn and her new nose, allegedly looked hot, haute, HAWT! *sticks out tongue* Stay mad Diddy!
Model Joan Smalls rocked a baby doll-esque white Viktor & Rolf dress and completed her look with a pair of tall leather gladiator sandals


Raptress Iggy Azalea wore a gold sheer embroidered Emilio Pucci gown! Save for  her wonk eye in this photo, that chile looks AWESOMENESS! We see you (fashion-wise) gurla!




Model Coco Rocha rocked a Fausto Puglisi leather jacket with gold accents...and black pumps!




Model Erin Wasson showed up on the red carpet in her best *Jadakiss voice*  "you just wanna bee seen, knock yourself out!" bathing suit and sheer cover-up looking "dress". *rolls eyes* Whatever man!

Actress Holland Roden (I never heard of her before today), wore an exquisite cream and embroidered pants/gown Naeem Khan ensemble! She looked supa, dupa fly!


JWOWW aka Jenni Farley formerly of MTV's Jersey Shore (I don't watch that other show with her and Snooki, sorry, not sorry!), wore a nice if you're 40 plus black and white embroidered gown. Not saying I want Jenni to go back to those horrid black and blonde raggedy fusions extensions and cheap 3-5-7-9 clothing of her yester-years, but this look deviated too far from the script...nope and mo' NOPE! 

Roc Nation singer Rita Ora wore a Alex Vauthier powder blue bejeweled and long feather train ensemble complete with a barely there side slit. The Brit completed her look with black and gold accented sandals! Yaaasss!!!

The TV did Selena Gomez dress no justice! I didn't even realize all the chic her dress was given until I  saw this picture of her navy, lingerie and bustier-esque Versace gown...complete with side slit and see-through pumps! #Livin'!

Snooki gown and her new nose...HATED IT!
I thought y'all broke up for "good" this time? Ronnie and Sammie "Sweetheart" of Jersey Shore made an appearance on the red carpet
Performances

You know I always keep it 300 (three hunnit) with you Chicks and Dicks, so if you were reading my tweets last night during the VMAs, you already know what it was and what it was not.

Most of the VMAs performances left a lot more than much to be desired. I was not entertained for the most part with the actual performances per se, however I had the good fortune of being at my sister's cookout last night while live-tweeting the VMAs. 

I wish you all could have had the luxury of being in my sister's living room last night as my family and friends and I continuously and mercilessly shaded, clowned, joked and Sandman'd most of the VMAs performances...fun was most definitely had by all!

Lady Gaga's Applause


Get More:



For Shits & Giggles: Miley Cyrus' We Can't Stop, Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines  & Give It 2 U featuring 2 Chainz & Kendrick Lamar

Get More:


The crowds reaction during...

Miley even swagger-jacked Kanye's bear...is nothing sacred?!?!



and after...



Miley and Robin's "performance"

Besides the obvious, was it me or did Robin look like he had coke bloat a gut...



says everything that needs to be said!


Bruno Mars' Gorilla

Get More: 

The time it takes you to briefly scroll the pictures from N'Sync's VMAs reunion "performance", will amount to a whole 2 seconds longer than the time Justin allowed his former bandmates to shine on the VMAs stage during Justin's concert performance...the bitch in you!





 JC's face reads: 'I'm big sister gorgeous one, I AM. big. sister gorgeous one!'
 Lance's face reads: And y'all thought I was the cunt, ***NEWS FLASH bitches!!!***'
Joey's smile between clenched teeth reads: That's why I just let off a diarrhea fart on your back punk mother f__ker!
That other guy's smile reads: I'm just happy someone is taking my picture again for something other than 'if you see this guy in the neighborhood, call 911...'
Justin: Security!!!

I love how Rihanna foresaw that the VMAs would be on some f__k-shit, so she shaded the awards by sitting front and center in her 'going to the mall,  but I'm still going to promote my River Island line' outfit! Then she proceeded to give off an air of unimpressed with a dash of 'Who is you?' shade all night...*Smokey voice* that's my dawg!


*sighs* Drake just being Drake, bless his heart!
He's definitely the one you marry though...later on in life, after you've gotten all the party out of you and you're through runnin' these skreetz...Rih, we already know you two have started back up again!
Sidebar: Somebody put Chris Brown on suicide watch, STAT!





You know the cutie in the leather biker jacket is using all his might to resist from looking at Gaga's booty butt cheeks!

Never mind Drake and Taylor, feast on all that shade in the background...haaa!

Two can play that game...
Jaden: Seriously dad, how much longer until Drake performs?
Willow: We outchea Brookyln!

Jaden: *sighs* My, herooo!
Sidebar: I thought Jaden's reaction after Drake's performance was so innocent and adorable!

Bruno: I'm just here because my flight was delayed until tomorrow...oh, and the free booze!

Paula's thoughts: *%$#@%^*@#$%^*!!!...'I challenge you to a game of horseshoes...a game of HORSESHOES!!!...@#$%^*@#$%^*!@#$%^*!!!

Robin: *to security* Pull the car around...

A Few Other Things I Noticed...
  • The artist that performed at the VMAs seemed to be more concerned with the shock factor than actually perfecting their vocals and performance, da f__k is up?
  • It also seemed like the producers gave the camera crew strict instructions:  'Whatever you do, keep the camera on Taylor Swift and her boring little friend Selena Gomez, Rihanna and those guys from One Direction, capice!'  I mean did any other artist/celebrity come to the VMAs?
  • Save for that raggedy little bone MTV threw Janelle Monae in the form of a moonman for Best Art Direction for Monae's Q.U.E.E.N. featuring Erykah Badu, black artist not only went home empty handed at this years VMAs, but they were literally and figuratively relegated to the back of the bus. Seriously, with the exception of Rihanna and Drake (Will Smith and his kids don't count), I never even caught a glimpse of Kanye, Ciara, Pharrell, Jennifer Hudson, A$AP Rocky and the like, in the audience.
  •  Oh but Taylor Swift did walk out to Ciara's I'm Out...*insert blank stare* 
Speaking of A$AP Rocky's, is it safe to say that his publicist was at the unemployment office bright and early this morning. Please refer below...

Get More: 
2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music

I'm mean could A$AP have looked more uncomfortable.

Didn't he already warn y'all a few months ago to stop trying to make him a "gay rights activist (see video below)"...MTV got jokes, haaa!

You see how when it was A$AP's turn to speak, he tried to get EXTRA Harlem World on y'all mickey fickeys. He had the aggressive rapper hands movement down and ur-ree-thang!


At the 1:40 mark...



MTV better leave Rakim alone...


WINNER'S LIST

Video of the Year: Justin Timberlake, Mirrors

Best Male Video: Bruno Mars, Locked Out Of Heaven

Best Song of the Summer: One Direction, Best Song Ever

Best Video With A Social Message: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Mary Lambert, Same Love

Best Female Video: Taylor Swift, I Knew You Were Trouble

Best Hip Hop Video: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton, Can’t Hold Us

Best Pop Video: Selena Gomez, Come & Get It

Best Rock Video: Thirty Seconds To Mars aka Jared Leto an’em, Up In The Air

Best Collaboration: Pink featuring Nate Ruess, Just Give Me A Reason

Artist To Watch: Austin Mahone, What About Love
Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award: Justin Timberlake
Best Direction: David Fincher, Justin Timberlake's Suit & Tie
Best Visual Effects: Capital Cities, Safe and Sound
Best Choreography: Bruno Mars, Treasure
Best Art Direction: Janelle Monae featuring Erykah Badu, Q.U.E.E.N.
Best Cinematography: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton, Can't Hold Us
Best Editing: Justin Timberlake, Mirrors


Photos credit: Getty Images North America, Buzzfeed, MTV.com and Huffington Post


2 comments:

  1. The worse show ever, sike, Miley looked crackish, Rihanna is a bad bish, JT awesome, NSYNC failed, and the rest was a blur!

    ReplyDelete